Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
