There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
