I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
