I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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