I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
