i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
