Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
