Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
