ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
