i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
