an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
