remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
