You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
