i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
