I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
