She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
