Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
