Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
