Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
