It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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