Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
