i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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