Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
