2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
