I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
