I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
