oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
