We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
