Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
