Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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