I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
