I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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