Yo dont text me then not text me
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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