I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
