Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
