btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
