Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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