I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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