I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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