Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
