This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
