So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
