well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
