Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize