matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
