Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My feet surprised me
Randomize
