i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
