You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
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These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
