Im at strip club and am horny
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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