Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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