I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
