I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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