Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
