I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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